Too many times people don't have the 'talk'. Consequently, families argue about what the deceased would want and the question of money causes even more problems.
When someone dies we grieve over and over again for them throughout our own lives. From the age of 21 I have been grieving over and over.
I will never forget the day my 30 year old brother came to the house to break the news that he had cancer. He died 5 months later. Unfortunately his wife wouldn't let my parents have anything to do with organising his funeral. Then, she sold his house and personal effects. My Mother and Father were crushed by this insensitivity and never allowed to fully grieve for my brother. 5 years later, my father died, through the stress of losing his son. So now the weight of grief seemed immeasurable. And still, my Mother struggled to discuss death, and what she wanted if/when something happened to her. However, when she turned 80 she decided to arrange her own funeral and choose the music. She made me laugh and cry when she spoke about how strange it made her feel talking about her own death.
My mum passed in 2021, during lockdown. Noone could have guessed what the added stress of lockdown rules would do to families who had lost family members during that time. Quite frankly I was so grateful that my Mum had already organised the biggest chunk of her funeral. As the last one standing in my family, the grief had totally consumed me and it seemed that every decision I had to make took hours! I never dreamt that her death, and becoming an orphan in my 50s would lie so heavily with me. At the end of the day, no matter how prepared and accepting we think we are of death, it will always affect us in ways we never expect. My one recommendation to anyone is Make Sure You Have Written A Will. That way, there's less chance of arguments about what the person might want.
I can feel your pain and grief Evelyn. Your experiences sound very tough. I'm sorry that you and your family had to go through all this pain. So hard to lose a sibling so so young; it must have been devasting for your parents.
I'm so pleased that your mum eventually found the words and strength to talk about her funeral wishes. It certainly makes it easier for those left behind, even if it doesn't help with the grief. As for you having to cope with her loss during covid I can only imagine how hard and lonely that must have felt.
No matter the age it's curious how we feel when losing a parent. When my Dad died i felt a sense of 'generation,' thankfully I still have my mum.
I couldn't agree more about a will. I write more about this in Monday's blog - to me talking about and preparing for death is an act of love and respect for those we leave behind. Not easy but easier than not for those left behind.
Death , yes it can be an difficult subject but I can only respond for myself . I don’t mind talking about it , we cannot escape it so why not talking about it. I am a single woman living 5000 kms away from my blood family and getting older so I have to prepare . I don’t count on any of my relatives for dealing with me at this specific time but I made plans some financial and other more specific .. what scares people the most is how we died .. pain , agony are scary . Everyone would like to pass in our bed …..
my goals is to not leave to much trouble for the people I nominated as my executives … tell what you want write it down … downsize who want to deal with all your memories? No one .
Make sure that you have some money allocated to what to do after you gone .
You are absolutely bang on with your thoughts and preparation, at least from my perspective too. Being 'prepared' is almost like ones final gift to those we love. Good on you Pascale.
And that truly is the most beautiful encapsulating poem. I have heard it before but am very grateful for the reminder, thank you x
This reminds me of when George Michael died - because it happened on on Christmas Day when my dad was in tow, and we were all watching the tv rather than each other, and we could chat about how we wanted our own deaths to be. This actually kick started a longer conversation around the topic. But we can’t just wait for a celeb to die every Xmas! I wonder if other countries have this problem or if it’s us Brits?!
I love this weeks read. We can't keep kicking the can further down the years and avoiding these discussions. How vulnerable is the grieving partner and family if it's not addressed before we go?
Too many times people don't have the 'talk'. Consequently, families argue about what the deceased would want and the question of money causes even more problems.
When someone dies we grieve over and over again for them throughout our own lives. From the age of 21 I have been grieving over and over.
I will never forget the day my 30 year old brother came to the house to break the news that he had cancer. He died 5 months later. Unfortunately his wife wouldn't let my parents have anything to do with organising his funeral. Then, she sold his house and personal effects. My Mother and Father were crushed by this insensitivity and never allowed to fully grieve for my brother. 5 years later, my father died, through the stress of losing his son. So now the weight of grief seemed immeasurable. And still, my Mother struggled to discuss death, and what she wanted if/when something happened to her. However, when she turned 80 she decided to arrange her own funeral and choose the music. She made me laugh and cry when she spoke about how strange it made her feel talking about her own death.
My mum passed in 2021, during lockdown. Noone could have guessed what the added stress of lockdown rules would do to families who had lost family members during that time. Quite frankly I was so grateful that my Mum had already organised the biggest chunk of her funeral. As the last one standing in my family, the grief had totally consumed me and it seemed that every decision I had to make took hours! I never dreamt that her death, and becoming an orphan in my 50s would lie so heavily with me. At the end of the day, no matter how prepared and accepting we think we are of death, it will always affect us in ways we never expect. My one recommendation to anyone is Make Sure You Have Written A Will. That way, there's less chance of arguments about what the person might want.
I can feel your pain and grief Evelyn. Your experiences sound very tough. I'm sorry that you and your family had to go through all this pain. So hard to lose a sibling so so young; it must have been devasting for your parents.
I'm so pleased that your mum eventually found the words and strength to talk about her funeral wishes. It certainly makes it easier for those left behind, even if it doesn't help with the grief. As for you having to cope with her loss during covid I can only imagine how hard and lonely that must have felt.
No matter the age it's curious how we feel when losing a parent. When my Dad died i felt a sense of 'generation,' thankfully I still have my mum.
I couldn't agree more about a will. I write more about this in Monday's blog - to me talking about and preparing for death is an act of love and respect for those we leave behind. Not easy but easier than not for those left behind.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Death , yes it can be an difficult subject but I can only respond for myself . I don’t mind talking about it , we cannot escape it so why not talking about it. I am a single woman living 5000 kms away from my blood family and getting older so I have to prepare . I don’t count on any of my relatives for dealing with me at this specific time but I made plans some financial and other more specific .. what scares people the most is how we died .. pain , agony are scary . Everyone would like to pass in our bed …..
my goals is to not leave to much trouble for the people I nominated as my executives … tell what you want write it down … downsize who want to deal with all your memories? No one .
Make sure that you have some money allocated to what to do after you gone .
Simplify
I love this poem about.
Words are wands
By Clare Harner
Do not stand
By my grave and weep,
Iam not there, I do not sleep
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle , autumn rain.
As you awake with the morning ´s hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of the quit birds in circling flight .
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand By my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die .
Pascale,
You are absolutely bang on with your thoughts and preparation, at least from my perspective too. Being 'prepared' is almost like ones final gift to those we love. Good on you Pascale.
And that truly is the most beautiful encapsulating poem. I have heard it before but am very grateful for the reminder, thank you x
Sorry for not answering
Getting ready to spend 3 weeks in Greece
Trying to forget what mess we are here !!!
Have a great time in Greece Pascale. I’m sure it will be lovely to get away
This reminds me of when George Michael died - because it happened on on Christmas Day when my dad was in tow, and we were all watching the tv rather than each other, and we could chat about how we wanted our own deaths to be. This actually kick started a longer conversation around the topic. But we can’t just wait for a celeb to die every Xmas! I wonder if other countries have this problem or if it’s us Brits?!
Interesting poll results Ruth!
I was bereft when I heard that news Faith! And yes. Events like that can help but as you say, it ain’t the solution.
Yer interesting results. I wonder if my readers feared they’d be getting dull ISA best buy reccs and tax regs? 🤣
It’s always a fear! But you’d never do that!
🤣 true!
I love this weeks read. We can't keep kicking the can further down the years and avoiding these discussions. How vulnerable is the grieving partner and family if it's not addressed before we go?
Exactly that Cathy. Being prepared feels like an act of love to those we leave behind...I'm glad it landed for you