Why don't we talk about death? #055
The great British taboo
We are all going to die. You, me, everyone. We don't necessarily know when (thank goodness), but one day. It may be expected. It may not. Yet there are certain tell-tale signs. Like getting older.
This is the death I want to talk about – “age appropriate” death.
Age appropriate death
Yes, it's a thing, I've decided it is. Feel free to disagree with me. It's not an exact science and I'm not going to debate 'the' age even if actuarial science can give us clues.
A friend was telling me about a recent dinner table conversation. The family was together for the first time in forever - three adult children with their partners, plus mum and dad. Mum, in her early 80s, clearly anxious for simplicity and clarity, asked, "Should we sell the family beach house or do you kids want it when we're gone?"
The responses were telling: One sibling confidently made incorrect assumptions about what everyone wanted. Another expressed a desire to keep the property while wanting her parents to do whatever was easiest for them. The third didn't say a word.
A typical family reaction to a question posed without warning - a mirror into a family's dynamics, personality types and emotional intelligence.
Why don't we talk about death?
I believe it's multi-layered:
British reserve and emotional barriers - Particularly for those of my vintage whose parents are from World War II and Baby Boomer generations. Many of us aren't equipped to deal with our own emotions around loss. The mere thought of crying, or someone else doing so, can halt a conversation instantly.
Family complexities and superstition - Family dynamics often involve control, hierarchy, greed, fear and generational concerns over "wishing someone away." Plus, that lingering superstition - surely if we talk about death, something terrible will befall us…
Lack of framework - We struggle with how to start the conversation, who should initiate it, what's appropriate to say without upsetting others and when and where these discussions should happen.
Spiritual uncertainty and mañana - In our increasingly secular world, we may have lost the comfort that death brings us closer to deceased loved ones. And we operate under the false assumption we always have tomorrow...until we don't.
So yes, there are countless reasons why families avoid discussing death in any depth. I get it.
What are we left with?
But what happens when we don't talk about this most natural of occurrences?
Unspoken words - Thanks, love, gratitude and opportunities for closure disappear, often leading to bitterness and protracted and complicated grief.
Practical chaos - Uncertainty about funeral wishes, location of important documents, and confusion about financial matters add tremendous burdens to already grieving family members.
Family conflict - Disagreements erupt around the deceased's wishes and who should take control, sometimes creating rifts that never heal.
As a Chartered Financial Planner, I've had countless conversations about death, 'normal' or otherwise. And I’ve dealt with the consequences of not having the conversation.
I’ve sat with a grieving widow who spent months trying to fathom unnecessarily complicated family finances. Her grief compounded by practical panic, worry and an inability to ask for help.
These conversations are about so much more than money and assets. They're about emotions, care and respect that extends beyond our lifetime.
You
I've thrown a lot out and given little in the way of answers. I'll follow up with practical advice on dealing with this complex issue.
As ever, I am interested in you. I’m keen to know your experiences of talking about death - who were you with, what did you say, when do you do it, what happened? Or if you haven't, why not? What are the blockers?
Pour yourself a stiff one and drop me a line, I'd love to hear from you.
Where next? - your replies
I was very touched by your warm replies and poll responses to my questions in last week’s blog:
Do I carry on with my random weekly postings reflecting what’s on my mind? 17%
OR
Do I use my years of experience as a Chartered Financial Planner and business owner to write more about money and money related matters ? 14%
OR
A combo of the two? 69%
A clear decision. And I loved
comment about my weekly-ish thoughts:“Its a little time out of my day to pause for thought as I head into my 1000 weeks !”
A hugely warm thank you to all of you who responded and encouraged me to continue 🙏🏻.
Until next week my friends. And remember, you are never going to be any younger than you are today, what are you waiting for?
Ruth x
Before you go, if you enjoy 1000Weeks please do like ❤️ or drop me a comment. The hungry algorithm and I get a kick out of your interaction. If you think someone you know might enjoy my words, please do share and if you are yet to subscribe, please do. It’s make me smile and puts a spring in my step 🌻
Too many times people don't have the 'talk'. Consequently, families argue about what the deceased would want and the question of money causes even more problems.
When someone dies we grieve over and over again for them throughout our own lives. From the age of 21 I have been grieving over and over.
I will never forget the day my 30 year old brother came to the house to break the news that he had cancer. He died 5 months later. Unfortunately his wife wouldn't let my parents have anything to do with organising his funeral. Then, she sold his house and personal effects. My Mother and Father were crushed by this insensitivity and never allowed to fully grieve for my brother. 5 years later, my father died, through the stress of losing his son. So now the weight of grief seemed immeasurable. And still, my Mother struggled to discuss death, and what she wanted if/when something happened to her. However, when she turned 80 she decided to arrange her own funeral and choose the music. She made me laugh and cry when she spoke about how strange it made her feel talking about her own death.
My mum passed in 2021, during lockdown. Noone could have guessed what the added stress of lockdown rules would do to families who had lost family members during that time. Quite frankly I was so grateful that my Mum had already organised the biggest chunk of her funeral. As the last one standing in my family, the grief had totally consumed me and it seemed that every decision I had to make took hours! I never dreamt that her death, and becoming an orphan in my 50s would lie so heavily with me. At the end of the day, no matter how prepared and accepting we think we are of death, it will always affect us in ways we never expect. My one recommendation to anyone is Make Sure You Have Written A Will. That way, there's less chance of arguments about what the person might want.
Death , yes it can be an difficult subject but I can only respond for myself . I don’t mind talking about it , we cannot escape it so why not talking about it. I am a single woman living 5000 kms away from my blood family and getting older so I have to prepare . I don’t count on any of my relatives for dealing with me at this specific time but I made plans some financial and other more specific .. what scares people the most is how we died .. pain , agony are scary . Everyone would like to pass in our bed …..
my goals is to not leave to much trouble for the people I nominated as my executives … tell what you want write it down … downsize who want to deal with all your memories? No one .
Make sure that you have some money allocated to what to do after you gone .
Simplify
I love this poem about.
Words are wands
By Clare Harner
Do not stand
By my grave and weep,
Iam not there, I do not sleep
I am the thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle , autumn rain.
As you awake with the morning ´s hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of the quit birds in circling flight .
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand By my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die .