This weeks 1000Weeks didn’t go at 5pm on Monday as normal.
It was due to a technical glitch. My emails from Substack helpfully/not helpfully got quarantined1 by my email provider meaning I couldn’t log into my Substack account to buff up my final draft and push send. No ones fault in particular, these things happen.
But on Monday at 3pm I was agitated. Irked. Tense.
Feelings were awash.
I felt like I was letting my readers down.
I wasn’t keeping my commitment, my promise. To you. To me.
Survival
I was snappy. Short. My breathing shallow.
You would have thought that I was unable to pay a company’s salary roll, execute an important deal, enter for an opportunity I had waited months to enrol for or get to see a loved one who was ill.
As my fabulous friend and Coach Tina would say, I was in SURVIVAL mode. And all over a blog. That can go when the system is sorted. That no one probably really noticed. Or was bothered about. Except me. My expectations of myself. And my dislike of ‘letting others down’ or ‘not doing what I said I was going to do’.
I find it fascinating to reflect on the irrational thoughts and feelings that took me over, my primitive physiology coming to the fore, cortisol throbbing, my brain struggling to tell the difference between a 21st century pain in the neck and a real emergency – run; this is dangerous; I may be separated from the pack; people won’t like me anymore; I may get injured… Certainly easier to reflect on than contain in the moment.
Sorry mum
It also makes me realise I need to apologise to my mum. Who, when I call her, will sometimes tell me how agitated, irked and tense she’s been when unable to log in to her online energy supplier/streaming service/shopping site and I ‘helpfully’ say “calm down mum, it really isn’t something to get upset about or let ruin your day”. Until of course it happens to me! Sorry mum.
You
Fortunately, I managed to ‘let it go’ (after contacting my IT provider and Substack’s Technical Team) by doing some competitive ironing (well it was a Monday), eating a delicious bowl of spinach dhal, having a good night sleep and doing a crazy spin class the next morning. Oh, and the realisation that if this is all I have to worry about then I am one lucky individual!
How about can, can you relate to similar insignificant (in the greater scheme of things) matters causing you to go into Survival mode? What was it? What did you do to calm yourself? Was anyone ‘injured’ in the process?😉. Do let me know, I’d love to hear from you.
Until next week, when normal service will be resumed.
Ruth x
Quarantined - why, why now after 6 months of getting emails from Substack?
Photo by Muha Aiian, from Unsplash, thank you.
I can relate to your story this week as all week I have been trying to unblock an account I have with a client. I have been back and forwards through the process, forms, sign off, etc, and alas account still blocked. I have been panicking I am unable to complete any work for said client as I cannot access their system. My body reacted in exactly the same way. Heavy panting, sweating, beating myself up, "I am going to get told off that I have not done any work!" It is all just our thoughts and our thoughts are not always true!
… and being short with your loved one who cooked the legend Dahl curry ! Xx