Talking about death - an act of love and respect #056
How to do it.
Last week I asked, why don’t we talk about death? It’s multifaceted. It’s hard. But not doing so is harder still.
You may have elderly parents or adult children, maybe both. You may be on your second marriage with children from other partners. Or have no children but nieces, nephews and godchildren. Or wonderful friends. Each can add a level of complexity. And blimey, have I seen complexity:
Complexity
I’ve been at hospital bedsides as a home drafted will is signed in front of the nurse and chaplain on duty in advance of a life threatening treatment. The other spouse not party to the details of the will…
I’ve seen wills left unwritten because no decision could be made about who the executors or guardians for the children should be.
I’ve seen wills written in favour of the spouse of a second marriage with no mention of children from the former marriage unintentionally leading to the children being disinherited.
I’ve seen fall outs over the division of the family business - complexity exacerbated by siblings who work in the business and don’t.
I’ve seen will and trust arrangements intended to ‘preserve’ the family’s wealth cause complication, dispute and resentment for the survivors.
I could go on, but you get the gist. It needs to be talked about. And much of it tracks back to the elephant in the room - money.
The elephant in the room - money
The difficulty in talking about death can be more than just emotions of grief and loss. It’s often the multitude of emotions that surround money - fear, respect, greed, control, judgement, self-worth, even a barometer of love.
I remember a wise client in her 80s talking about her will. Her daughter, Sarah, a successful executive, said “Mum, I don’t need half of your estate, leave more to Simon”, (her brother).
Whilst respecting her daughter’s wish, my client refused. She believed not splitting her assets 50/50 risked being seen as an apportionment of her love. She chose to leave her wealth equally and let Sarah decide if she wanted to amend the will on death or gift to her brother herself.
Let’s talk
I’ve hopefully given you a few situations you can relate to around the importance of talking about death. I’ll let you guess which one happened in my family!
I’ve come up with a few hints and tips to ease into this difficult subject.
Opening gambits
Choose the right moment – A relaxed setting with no time pressure is a good start. Steer clear of Christmas Day! You may all be together but…
Framing – "I've been thinking about getting my affairs in order" feels less heavy than "We need to talk about when I die." Or, “I want to make sure I know what you’d like to happen when you die” feels caring and respectful.
Door openers – Find a natural opener maybe a friend's experience, a news story or a TV show that touched on end-of-life issues.
Practical approaches
Use financial planning as an entry point – "I'm updating my will" or "I'm reviewing my insurance policies" can naturally lead to broader discussions.
Share your own wishes first –"I've been thinking about what I'd want if..." – being open and vulnerable encourages others to follow.
A 'death dinner' – Sounds a tad grim but this is a growing trend where families intentionally gather to discuss practical and emotional matters perhaps with a facilitator. A skilled financial planner can be invaluable in this role and becomes the trusted ‘go to’ person on death.
Helpful tools – Articles, questionnaires or dedicated workbooks exist which can provide structure for the conversation.
Anticipate emotions
Acknowledge discomfort – "I know this isn't easy to talk about, but it's important to me."
Allow feelings – Tears and emotional reactions are normal. Pausing and saying "I understand this is difficult" validates these responses.
Focus on values, not just logistics – Discussing what matters most at the end of life can be more meaningful than just the practical details. And it gives context to decisions made.
Life moves on
Keep a note – Keep notes and record decisions to be shared with all to prevent future confusion.
Preferences change - Suggest an annual "check-in".
Well done! – It’s hard to have these discussions. Perhaps check in with everyone after the meeting to make sure everyone heard the same message and to deal with any residual concerns.
You
Phew. That wasn’t so bad after all was it?
To finish this cheery (!) death series, next week I’ll look at the stuff that needs to be thought about, done and some of the great decisions I’ve seen made.
As ever, I’m keen to know what you think. How do my suggested ideas land for you? How have you managed these conversations with ageing parents, partner or friends? Pour yourself a tasty tipple and drop me a line. I’d love to hear from you.
And remember, you’re never going to be any younger than you are today, what are you waiting for? Who might you have this conversation with in the next week? Dare you…
Until next week,
Ruth x
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I spent much of my career discussing this topic and currently I am visiting my last former patient still living . He had a liver transplant in 2004 and is on hospice for lung cancer and cardiomyopathy. We agreed that now was a good time to check out given the political situation. He had an excellent physician who was excellent about speaking to all these issues and so made it easier for his wife.
I’ve never heard of a ‘death dinner’ but I quite like the idea. It’s a good excuse to make it about ‘you’ with your favourite food etc. Perhaps not quite a substitute for a hen party if you’ve never had one, but there must be a way to make it fun!