“Make it feel wrong to get it right” #119
I’m two thirds of my way through my Henley Business School Executive Coaching course. I’m loving it. And finding it bloody hard. The inevitable paradox of growth? Probobaly.
I’m loving the learning - the reading and research, even if I need to do more as my written assessment submission date looms. I’m also enjoying my practice, my real-life coaching conversations. I experience a weird thrill before each coaching session; What will my client bring? How will I respond? How do they need me to be?
Although I’ve had my coaching practice for a few years now, the bit I’m finding hard is the strict overlay of the ‘coach’ learning over my natural mentor, adviser style. Which is not to say my natural style is necessarily correct. It’s just where I feel comfortable.
The arc
There is an arc to a coaching session which goes something like this.
Each session starts with “contracting”. That is, the use of questions and listening to enable my client to identify the ‘real’ issue they want to discuss – which is rarely the one they arrive with. The real issue is often hidden below the presenting problem. A recent client arrived with feelings of overwhelm…too much to do, too little time, too many people wanting a piece of her. She had become the bottle neck in her business and was feeling exhausted and demotivated. After twenty minutes or so of digging the real issue emerged; fear of a loss of control if she passed work to her team members. An understandable feeling associated with delegation, not to mention the additional time to delegate properly adding to her load in the short term.
But back to contracting.
Once the real issue is uncovered the next steps involve more questions to help the client articulate what they want to be different or know by the end of the session, why the issue is important to them and how they will know if they’ve achieved it.
Curiously, contracting, done well, can take a large proportion of the session. After all, the session loses oomph if the correct issue isn’t being solved.
A good ending to a session sees the client identifying their insights, learnings, goals and next steps.
It sounds simple and logical as I type it, but in real life? Not so much.
The reality
We humans are tricky characters. Understandably, clients often arrive with unformed thoughts, presenting symptoms and a sense they want something different but aren’t always sure what that is. This can be deep work, and they need time, trust and a sense of safety to be able to unpack their thoughts, make decisions and work out what comes next.
In contrast, some clients arrive with a single issue to be worked through which merely requires thinking space, and perhaps a gentle challenge, and they leave the session with the clarity they seek.
It just depends. My role is to hold and help people in both scenarios, and all in between.
The real challenge for me? Remaining in the role of ‘coach’, withholding my natural tendency to mentor or advise. Which brings me full circle to the title of this post – “Make it feel wrong to get it right”.1 You’ll know the feeling if you play tennis or swim and try to change your grip or stroke. Or if you’re a manager resisting the urge to solve your team’s problems… It just feels wrong even if you trust it will make you a better player, swimmer or leader eventually.
I can 100% see the benefits of pure coaching. We all learn when we figure out our issues and solutions for ourselves. But in real life, when a pressing situation needs solving post session, if experiencing something new or if genuinely stuck, some clients need a combination of coach, mentor and adviser. All in service of their personal growth.
You
As ever I’m interested in you and what you think. What role or skills should a Coach exhibit – coach, mentor, adviser, thinking partner, critical friend? One, some or all of the above? Whether you’ve worked with a coach in the past, are contemplating doing so or are just interested in the conversation, please do drop me a line, I’d love to hear from you.
And remember, you’re never going to be any younger than you are today - where do you need to make it feel wrong to get it right?
Until next week my friends,
Ruth x
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A quote that resonated with me from Adam Grant in a recent episode of The Curiosity Shop podcast he co hosts with Brene Brown - Exploring the Paradoxes of Human Nature Well worth a listen.
So interesting, and well done on doing the course. I did a very short coaching taster (literally half a day). I'm a fixer and a doer so I also struggled to 'sit on my hands' as you put it. What shifted it for me was realising how meditative I found the process myself. I was completely present in the moment, as I had to give my 100% focus to the other person, and I had to really listen, not just listen for what I thought the answer was. Good luck with the submission!