“Dostadning” - Death Cleaning - #062

An addition to my Death Trilogy!

I’m a jolly one aren’t I! Yes, I know.

But I was taken by a book that one of my readers, Jamie, recommended after reading blog 57 – “How to make it easier for those we leave behind”.

The book is called “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning - Dostadning" by Margareta Magnusson. Coincidentally, it also featured on Women’s Hour last Monday (minute 38).

The book is about mindfully, and slowly, ordering your home, your life and your possessions before you die.

Who wants your stuff?

It reminded me of a late client of mine Henry, a widower, with no children. I used to visit him at his home. A beautiful regency flat stuffed to the rafters with art, artefacts and collections. A retired Air Steward, from the glamour days of Concorde, he was the perfect host. Financial Planning with a Campari & Soda is definitely the way to go…

Henry had a vast collection of Staffordshire Pottery; not something anyone younger might want these days.

Fortunately Henry had the foresight to gift the collection to a local museum. Everything else? Pretty much sold at rock bottom prices by auctioneers - his relatives, eager for the proceeds.

But enough about Henry and my reminiscing, back to the book.

The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning – 17 tips

Margareta wrote the book in 2017 when she was ‘somewhere between the age of 80 and 100’. It is a sweet little book full of practical tips and family stories.

I’ve pulled out 17 of her top tips, with some light editing and ordered as the book flows, for your enjoyment:

1. Do not ever imagine that anyone will wish - or be able- to schedule time to take care of what you didn’t bother to take care of yourself. No matter how much they love you, don’t leave this burden to them. [Can a truer word have been written?]

2. Tell your loved ones and friends what you are up to. They may want to help you and even take things you don’t need.

3. Don’t start with photographs - or letters or personal papers. It can be both a lot of fun and sad…one thing’s for sure, if you start here you’ll get stuck down memory lane and nothing else will happen!

4. Start with your clothes - what you wear, what you don’t, what no longer fits.

5. Organise your computer files.

6. Gift belongings in life. Or if they may be a source of ‘squabble’ on death, sell them and split the cash (between your children, nieces, nephews and friends).

7. Not sure what to do with certain belongings - gift, charity, sell? get a ‘second opinion’ from someone without a sentimental attachment.

8. Use tactful directness to talk to ageing parents …’Is there anything we could do together in a slow way so there won’t be too many things to handle later?’

9. The Vikings knew the secret of death cleaning - they buried people with their possessions!

10. ‘Sometimes you have to give cherished things away in the hope that they will end up with someone who will make memories of their own’ – Margareta speaking about a cherished family table.

11. If you decide to downsize your home, it is a good thing not to be in a hurry…proceed at a pace that suits you…Ageing is certainly not for weaklings. That is why you should not wait too long to start with your downsizing.

12. If it was your secret, keep it that way. It is perhaps a thoughtful gift to those loved ones who may be death cleaning for us later if we do a little of our own cleaning now…So, save your favourite dildo but throw away the other fifteen! [Margareta’s words not mine!]. Perhaps you have saved letters, documents or diaries that contain information or family stories you would never wish to embarrass your descendants with. Make a bonfire and shove them in. ¹

13. Unwanted gifts - If you receive things you don’t really want from your parents or someone else who wants to reduce the amount of their possessions in their home, you should just be honest and say, ‘No thank you, I don’t have room for this’.

14. Pets. Should your pet live longer than you, you might be creating a problem for those around you. Talk to your family and neighbours…would they be willing to take care of the animal when you are not able to? Or should you reconsider getting an animal at all?

15. Photographs.…if I don’t know the names of the people in the photograph no one else is likely to. Shred them. However, really old photos may well have a historical and cultural value…By making games or an event (with family or friends) out of the difficult job of death cleaning photos…it can be less lonely, less overwhelming and more fun. Share the memories.

16. Death Cleaning is as much (or more) for you as for the people who come after…It’s a delight to go through things and remember their worth. And if you don’t remember why a thing has meaning or why you kept it, it has no worth and it will be easier for you to part with.

17. The story of one’s life. Take pleasure in the happy and perhaps sad and even depressed feelings photos and written words can bring. Know that it has been a part of your story and your life.

I love that final one, ‘the story of your life’.

You

As ever, I am interested in you. Is this useful advice, regardless of age? How might you open such a conversation with ageing parents or friends? How have you seen others ‘Death Clean’? What have been your experiences of having to deal with someone’s belonging post mortem?

Pour yourself a Campari and Soda (or 70’s tipple of choice) and drop me a line, I’d love to hear from you.

And remember, you’re never going to be any younger than you are today, what are you waiting for before you organise your stuff or speak to your parent’s or older friends about theirs?

Until next week my friends,

Ruth x

Thank you for reading my work. If you feel moved, please join in the conversation with a comment. Or share with a friend or family. Or a like ❤️. If you haven’t yet subscribed, please do. It put’s a spring in my step.

1. Interestingly later on Margareta suggests a ‘Throw Away Box’ for keeping personal and meaningful cards, letters and trinkets that mean something to you but won’t to others.