Come live with me... #110
I was 37 you were 17
Sorry. Couldn’t help it. No this isn’t a reflection on the ubiquitous Heaven 17 song. This is a contemplation of communal living.
Dinner party talk
Friends and I have been talking about pooling our resources and living together for ages, normally after the second bottle of wine…But out of this dinner party chat, a few of us, less restrained by money, age, work, family or geography, are starting to talk more seriously about making this happen.
As the financial planner in the group, I’m charged with exploring ownership structures and finances. Which led me to a fascinating conversation last week with a woman who has made co living happen with her husband, children and two other families.
Before we spoke I’d done my share of thinking on the subject- how do you decide on the location and structure of the property; what’s the legal agreement; is the financial commitment equal or on an affordability basis; how do you divide the square footage fairly; how are collective decisions made; what are the boundary conditions; what if someone gets ill, falls out, finds a partner, loses a partner, dies? It’s easy to stop before you start.
But how?
Which brings me back to my conversation this week. My new friend generously shared her community’s journey. Their collective why. Their decision-making matrix. The financial commitment. The property viewings – which amazingly turned out to be just one! The purchase process. The legal decisions. The development of each home. The Memorandum of Understanding they drew up. The collective expectations. And how they made their dream happen.
Like most dreams it’s had its challenges but six years later they all continue to live happily together but apart. The model they chose, separate but adjoining homes. In and out of each other’s houses but independent. Separate but with a shared garden, land and assets to use and be taken care of. Agreed rules in place to manage differing views of ‘done’, ‘enough’ or ‘left as found’. Harmony maintained by weekly round tables where everyone shares what’s going on for them allowing ‘stuff’ to be aired.
She was clear it’s not all rose coloured spectacles. She told me of a few friends who’ve done similar projects with different ownership and legal structures where things didn’t go to plan.
Collective courage
As we spoke it became clear it’s all in the planning. The anticipation of potential problems. Managing risk as far as possible. Completing a pre-mortem1 and keeping the collective conversation rolling on an ongoing basis. Communication, as ever, key.
The thing that excited me most was her answer to my question:
“What has been the best outcomes from living together?”
The colour and warmth of her reply crystallising the idea for me. The leverage arising from collective organisation- in their case large projects, parties and gatherings. The collective courage of the group - the whole being more than the sum of its parts, and being with and seeing daily the people she loves and cares for.
Love that.
The next stage for me and my friends is to build a collective spreadsheet to gather each of our ‘core’, ‘nice to have’ and ‘wow’ property and living criteria. Bring on the highlighter pens, gantt charts and coloured pencils!
I know co-living isn’t for everyone but it really appeals to me. I like my own space but I am not a fan of living on my own. Why live on your own, or as a couple, when you could share with others? I’ll keep you posted.
You
As ever I’m interested in you.
What are your thoughts and or experiences of co-living? And what am I not thinking of in my Pre-Mortem that I really should include?
Brew yourself a cafetière of your favourite coffee and drop me a line, I’d love to hear from you.
And remember, you’re never going to be younger than you are today, what’s the first step you can do this week to make your dream a reality?
Until next week my friends,
Ruth x
ps photo is Grayson Perry’s stunning House For Essex which I was lucky enough to stay in with friends in February 2020.
If you enjoy my words please do join in the conversation - why not leave a comment, ❤️, share or subscribe, it really does put a skip in my step, thank you.
A Pre Mortem, or, as Brene Brown described it in her new podcast with Adam Grant -The Curiosity Shop - ‘prospective hindsight’, is an exercise to do before embarking on a project of any sort, it’s aim being to pre-empt why a project could fail. A question along the lines of - We’re all sitting here in 5 years time and its all gone pear shaped - what went wrong? is asked to flush out potential issues.
Had the similar conversations after dinner and a few bottles of wine! Interested to hear your evolving thoughts on this Ruth.x
Ruth, this is something that my friends and I constantly talk about! There are so many positive reasons to do this - but it's all too easy to just think about the ideality of it. I think your approach (and that of the community you met with) is a great "eyes wide open" approach. Excited to see where this goes :-)