After my week of nothing, which my lovely friend Patrick tells me the Dutch call ‘nitsen’ - the art of planning to do nothing, not just doing nothing - I found myself this week in North Devon, my childhood home, spending time with my mum, brother, sister, niece and a few friends. But mainly my mum.
She’s a bit of a star. Never knowingly turning down an invitation to do something, which these days revolves around U3A and WI events – think strolling, games (Rummikub and Sequence) and ‘fine dining’. Not to mention coach trips various – think gardens and National Trust properties. And meeting up with her numerous friends. She’s a keen talker. And goodness knows how many times a day she watches the news. Unsurprisingly she gets a tad tired from time to time.
So, we used our time together as relaxed downtime to do a sensible bit of planning. Planning for the inevitable. The drafting of her ‘What If’ document. You know the one. The one, one day we will need when mum leaves us.
Mum embraced the opportunity. She said she was glad we were doing it. Heck, we don’t expect her to pop off any time soon, but at 82 (or any age) you never know.
I wrote about planning for death eighteen months or so ago when I wrote my death ‘trilogy’ but had we done all of it? No.
As a pragmatic and organised woman, after all she’s the mother of a financial planner, mum had organised her will and LPA a few years ago. So, we checked her wishes, that the attorneys and executors remained alive and capable and moved on to the practical stuff.
We’d done a password drill a few years ago, so all we needed to do was check I had the latest versions. Cue mum flicking through her incredibly unsecure notebook to find the relevant words and phrases. Bletchley standards it is not. But it works for her.
We also checked I was still nominated as the legacy contact on her Facebook and Apple/iCloud accounts. I was.
Then we got into the nitty gritty. The boring but important utility providers, insurance companies, banks and building societies. Tick.
Next, who we should inform from mum’s myriads of friends dotted around the country. We decided on a Pyramid style notification system – key friends who would promulgate the news; outliers identified. Tick.
Next up - funeral arrangements. Mum has a lovely younger friend who is a celebrant – job done. She needed no prompting around her choice of songs for her service, Eva Cassidy and Queen featuring highly. Interestingly, mum’s decision around her ashes had changed since we last spoke of it, good to know and noted.
And then, the location of her original will. And where she keeps her various items of paperwork. Roger.
Task completed we did the next obvious thing - had a lovely cup of tea and a posh ginger nut biscuit!
Later that evening we caught up with my brother. Mum, eager to tell him of our day’s activity was cut slightly short by his response…
“Alright mum, can we just have a nice dinner?”
She understood. Afterall she’s known him for 64 years!
Like many, my brother finds these things hard to talk about, let alone plan for. I understand. It’s not easy. But just because it’s hard, it’s not a reason not to do it. Planning at a time of calm and clarity for an event which will undoubtedly be emotional and difficult is bound to pay dividends.
Mum’s affairs are pretty simple. And my brother and I are at one on who will do what and when. We trust each other entirely. Which means we are bloody lucky as a family. Not everyone has the same fortune.
You
As ever I’m interested in you. And those of you lucky enough to still have your mum, or dad, maybe both, or perhaps an ageing relative or friend. How have you approached their ‘What if’ wishes? Is it an unspoken elephant in the room or a thankfully resolved matter? And I’m curious to know where any resistance may be sitting – with you, them, circumstances? Do drop me a line, I’d love to hear your thoughts, you may also help others.
Interestingly my mum told me afterwards she’d told her friends what we’d been doing; many expressed a wish that their kin would do the same with them.
And remember, you’re never going to be any younger than today. And neither are they. They may just be waiting for you to start the conversation – what’s stopping you?
Finally, I couldn’t finish this week’s post without a mention of Dolly. What a woman. I shed a happy/sad tear as I listened to Lauren Laverne’s six of the best on R6 on Wednesday morning, classics all1. I’d like to add another from Dolly’s 2007 Backwoods Barbie album – “You Better Get to Living”:
“You better get to living. Giving
Don’t forget to throw in a little forgiving
And loving on the way…”
Need I say more.
Until next week my friends,
Ruth x
Thanks for reading 1000Weeks. I really appreciate it. If you enjoyed it, please do leave a comment, ❤️, share or subscribe so others can find it, thank you.
Lauren’s 6 Dolly tunes were: Jolene (Glasto), Back from Dover, Here You Come Again, I Will Always Love You, Coat of Many Colours, 9 to 5 😊
I love this. I must have my own 'What if?' drill with my mum when I am next in Barum.
Lovely photo of Hazel and yourself Ruth. Sounds like a truly wholesome week. I need you to come and do with me Sturks!