A different type of Coach ride…#088

The mind and life changing type

When I think about coach rides, I have flashbacks to my days as a skint Student Nurse, riding route 501 on the upper deck of the National Express Rapide. Sony Walkman blasting Bronski Beat into my small town ears.

Route 501 from London Victoria to my home in Barnstaple, North Devon. The double decker swinging itself at alarming speed down the old twisty turny A361 in the days before the luxury of the ‘link road’.

My schoolfriend Penny working as the hostess, navigating the stairs to sell the homemade sarnies her mum helped make to the unsuspecting passengers…

And of course the classic National Express by the Divine Comedy:

“On the National Express there’s a jolly hostess
Selling crisps and tea
She’ll provide you with drinks and theatrical winks
For a sky-high fee”

Another type of Coach

But that’s not what I want to talk about…

Last week, my original coaching supervision course came to a close. Founded and run by my good friend Tina, I recall her inviting me to sign up.

It was September 2020. The Covid year. The course was called “Know Thyself”.

To be honest, I wasn’t really sure what it was all about. I mean, I was a well-rounded, balanced, rational woman,…what was I going to learn? Surely, I know myself by now?...

How wrong was I. The three-month course was transformational. In many ways. It challenged my thinking, my thoughts, my assumptions and the underlying feelings and emotions driving my behaviour.

Notice

It taught me to ‘notice’.

Notice what is happening around me. My external world.

More importantly It taught me to notice my ‘internal’ world. My thoughts and feelings.

It taught me to question:

What’s the feeling associated with the thought? Is the feeling one of ‘survival’ (negative, scarcity, fearful, shameful thoughts) or ‘attachment’ (positive, abundant, joyful, loving thoughts)?

Is the thought and the associated story I am telling myself True, False or Don’t I Know?

More pertinently, how is the thought serving me? What is the ‘pay off’? What is the ‘cost’?

It was revelatory to me how I could dwell on ‘survival’ thoughts causing me upset, irritation or shame, believing I had no choice, the thought being the truth and mine to suffer.

The ‘pay off’ of such a belief?

Well, I may not like the thought or the feeling, but perhaps it’s familiar, or, weirdly, comfortable? And so, I sit with it. And ruminate.

The ‘cost’ of the thought?

I stay stuck, not try, feel sorry for myself. And by not noticing and questioning, miss the opportunity to move out of survival to ‘attachment’ leading to growth, learning and happiness.

Assumptions

We learned about the Assumption Triangle.

There is what happens and then there is what we make it mean.

What if I could take another view? What might I see?

Listening

It made me realise how, in conversation, I, we, often barely listen to each other, waiting instead to jump in with our ha’pennerth – our trumping story or experience.

Or drift off pretending to listen whilst moving on to other thoughts.

The former Narrative Takeover, the latter Narrative Tap Out as Brene Brown calls it.

Judgement

And then of course, we have judgement.

What if I could learn to suspend judgement and perhaps believe instead that the person I’m judging is doing the best they can given their circumstances and life experience?

Sounds simple. It isn’t.

Why

The course was a gift. A gift that keeps on giving and one I must keep on unwrapping. It’s not ‘one and done’.

For me at least it’s an ongoing lesson to be conscious of every day. And some days I’m better at remembering than others.

But I keep on reminding myself of these things because it makes life feel and be better. And hopefully me a more tolerant, kind person.

That’s my choice.

And if I can help others see some of this through coaching (new website being built as we speak!) it’s a role I’m delighted and grateful to assume.

You

Firstly, may I say I know growth isn’t always as easy as I have distilled above. It’s bloody hard work for most and may warrant therapeutic intervention for others.

As ever I’m interested in you.

• What are your go to ways of dealing with negative thought patterns?

• What have I missed in my distillation that might be helpful for you or others?

Grab yourself a Matcha Latte (!) and drop me a line, I’d love to hear from you.

And remember, you’re never going to be younger than you are today, what could you look at differently that might just cause a shift for you?

Finally, a shout out to the wise and wonderful Tina Weeks who revealed all of this for me, for which I’ll be eternally grateful; thank you Tina x

Until next week my friends,

Ruth x

ps. Rapide Coach photo thanks and credit - By Secret Coach Park - NORTHUMBRIA MOTOR SERVICES, CC BY-SA 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=75751011

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